Learnin' 'bout sex with Sharky and Bones
by clawmachines
Summary: sharky and bones, rock the boat, pirate cock, and sing along the pirate sonG (contains mature themes, mentions of peens, weird feelings, and dubcon)(some hook/bones and sharky/bones)(some fluffy friendship stuff too? but sexual)
1. always there to lend a mouth

It was a quiet night aboard the Jolly Roger. Smee, Bones, and Sharky were sleeping in their hammocks outside in the crisp air as their Captain was warm inside his quarters. Uncomfortably warm.

Captain Hook slightly writhed in bed, still asleep but having a fitful dream. Sweat was beading on his face. Suddenly he shot up and ripped his eye mask off, his shuddering breaths and flushed face indicating something other than a nightmare; as he threw back the covers, he groaned. Another blasted wet dream. But he had woken up before it was over.

Hook winced as he rotated his legs over the side of his bed, stepping into his slippers and hobbling out of the quarters towards the hammocks. He shook Bones's hammock, more and more vigorously until Bones woke in a daze.

"What is it, Cap'n?" he whispered hoarsely, rubbing sleep from one of his drooping eyes.

"Get out of bed, Bones," Hook said crankily. Bones complied and carefully stepped over his crew mates. Hook exhaled impatiently and yanked him away from the hammock, causing it to spin and drop the pillow on Sharky's head. Sharky jumped in his sleep and patted the pillow, eventually hugging it like a teddy bear. In the meantime Hook walked stiffly to his cabin while he dragged Bones behind him with his hook.

"Alright, keep quiet and kneel, I need release," Hook said haughtily, stripping his bedclothes and pushing Bones to his knees.

"Aw, again, Cap'n? I'm tired," Bones complained with a yawn. "How often do I have to do this?"

"Stop your whinging, Bones!"

"Okay, sheesh..."

Captain Hook balanced himself on Bones's shoulders and pushed his hips toward his mouth, prompting Bones to wrap his lips around Hook's cock. Hook let out a low groan as he slid himself in and out of the warmth, squeezing his eyes shut and letting his head drop down. His back tensed and he rolled his hips more quickly, breathing sharp with each thrust.

"Start sucking," he commanded with a strained voice. Bones did so without interest as he thought about going back to sleep. "Come on, Bones," Hook growled, temper rising. Bones rolled his eyes and sucked harder, tongue stroking the dick in his mouth once in awhile. Hook gasped and arched his back, the base of his cock almost touching Bones's lips. His head lolled back, mouth agape and eyes shut, he let out a high whine as he came. Bones swallowed and moved back from the throbbing member to look up at the captain, who was staring into the space above Bones's head. Hook relaxed and grinned crookedly. He put his nightgown back on and flopped on the bed, sighing what sounded like a thank you before dozing off.

"Happy to help, cap'n," Bones whispered with a tired salute and a smile. He stretched and left the cabin to get back to bed.


	2. seriously what else rhymes with whistle?

The next day, Sharky and Bones were swabbing the deck as Hook shouted out orders as usual.

"C'mon, you worthless dogs! I want to see me reflection in those boards!"

The two smirked at each other and looked at the boards themselves, grinning at their own images.

"Done, Cap'n!" Sharky called.

"I should hope s– Wha? ...Already?" Hook peered over the steering wheel and saw the glinting deck. "Oh. Well. Good job, I suppose." He cleared his throat. "Now get to work on washing me sheets!"

"Already did it, Cap'n!" Bones said happily. "Figured you'd want a clean set after your mess yesterday n–"BONES," Hook warned, eyes shooting daggers at him.

"What? I'm just sayin', there was a whole lot of g–"BONES!" It seemed impossible for Hook to look any angrier. Bones shrunk against his mop.

"Sorry, sir..." Bones frowned and pushed his mop around to make himself look busy. Sharky slowly glanced from Hook to Bones with eyes wide and eyebrows knitted. He blinked and was about to speak, but decided against it and shrugged his burning curiosity away for the moment.

Smee appeared from the galley with a steaming plate for the captain's lunch. He was humming cheerfully as he set up the table.

"Lunch call, cap'n!" Smee's sing-song voice snapped Hook out of his anger and he made his way to the table. As he was eating the horribly smelly codfish casserole, Smee turned away to clean up the pots and pans. Sharky pulled Bones behind a few barrels to talk while the others were distracted.

"What the heck was the matter with th' sheets, Bones?" he whispered, peering around for any sign of eavesdroppers. "Why was the cap'n so cross with ye?"

Bones covered his mouth and shook his head. "I'm not sayin' nothin'!" he hissed. "Cap'n could hear and he'll get all yell-y again!"

Sharky heard a creak and peeked from behind the barrel. It was just the ship, he thought with relief. "You can tell me anything, matey. And besides, I'm real curious."

"Shh sh sh! He's gonna be done eatin' soon and then we'll get caught! I'll talk later, mate," he said, popping up from behind the barrel and whistling innocently. Sharky did the same. Then they whistled in unison and pulled out their instruments excitedly to write a new song.

Hook was finishing the meal and stopped his fork-hook midway to his mouth as he heard the ditty. He groaned exasperatedly and continued eating, wracking his brain for more chores for them to do. Songs were for treasure hunting, not for hanging around the ship. Having fun. Pah.

"Guh!" Hook exclaimed, suddenly noticing Sharky and Bones standing in front of him. "What do you want?"

"Do you know a word that rhymes with whistle?" said Sharky.

"Ah... ...Thistle?"

"Nah, we couldn't think of how to fit that in. What else ye got?"

"Maybe... hm... Perhaps, mistletoe?"

"Eh. Anything else?"

"Let's see, I..." he scratched his head. "Oh, I don't have time for this fiddle-faddle!" Hook shoved himself away from the table and stomped back to the steering wheel.

"Methinks he's not a poet and he didn't know it," Bones said to a snickering Sharky.

* * *

Just like every other afternoon, Captain Hook was becoming bored out of his mind. He longed to find treasure. If only his crew weren't such blithering idiots. Well, I suppose Smee is acceptable, he corrected. But only because he can cook. Well... I guess Sharky isn't too horrid. And Bones could be a lot dumber, and less subservient. Hook crossed his arms and glowered. Hmph, none of that's true, I don't like anyone. They're all rotten.

Smee sensed his captain's grumpiness and went over to him. He tutted and placed a gentle hand on Hook's shoulder.

"There, there, now, Cap'n, cheer up. Let's go on a treasure hunt, hm? That would be lovely, don't you agrees?"

"Oh... alright, Mr. Smee. You know me all too well."

"Yep."

"Look alive, men!" Hook said with newfound vigor. "We're off to seek treasure!"

Sharky and Bones scuttled up merrily and saluted with a hearty 'aye-aye.' They weighed anchor and made their way to the nearest island.

As expected, Jake and his crew were there, they were on a quest, Hook and crew overheard, tried to get to the treasure first, they all got there at the same time, Jake talked about working together and friendship, Hook lost the treasure and pouted, Jake and his crew flew off, and somehow the crocodile came up and chased Captain Hook away.

Back on the Jolly Roger, Captain Hook sat in a chair dejectedly and moaned to Smee about being unsuccessful. Smee consoled him calmly and suggested going to bed early to try and forget the whole thing.

"You're right, Smee. I'm going to bed."

"Good thinking, Captain. I believe I'll turn in early meself." They both got comfy in their respective sleeping places and fell asleep with ease.

Sharky and Bones, who had been sitting listening to the Captain's troubles and offering their own consolations, blinked and frowned at each other. Bones rubbed his neck and looked to the galley and back at Sharky, silently asking him to go there with him. Sharky nodded and both of them stood, tiptoeing past Mr. Smee's hammock and going through the door.


	3. bones's boner

As soon as the door was shut, Bones turned to his friend and said in one hushed breath, "The cap'n keeps having me put his cockatoo in me mouth and I swallow all th' gunk and he goes right to sleep and I never get a go and I dunno how often he's gonna need me to do it but it's been a load of 'em and he never lets me get a turn and it's not fair!" He crossed his arms and scowled.

Sharky stared at him, his mouth hanging open in shock. He tried to talk a few times and ended up just stiltedly patting Bones on the upper arm.

"Um... It'll... It'll turn out alright, Bones..." he managed. Bones shook his head and looked desperately at Sharky.

"You don't understand, mate! I need some advice real bad, I do. I've tried to muster up the courage, like, and I can never get meself to confront 'im." Bones looked at the ground and rubbed his arm. Sharky fiddled with his vest, hemming and hawing awkwardly.

"Well, ah... What exactly is it you want me to tell ye to do?" At this, Bones shifted around, flushing slightly. "...Bones?"

"Uh...You see... besides not havin' the guts to do it, I... I don't know how to... You know."

"Nope."

"...Okay, when he asks me to do it, his moby dingdong is all sticky-uppy... and I dunno how to... make mine do that sorta thing." Bones put his fists on his hips and looked down to his crotch in deep thought. "So, even if I did go up to him, see, I don't think it'd work all too well."

Sharky sighed and tried to recall how his first talk on the birdies and bees went. Apparently Bones had never had one. He motioned for Bones to follow him to a few stools set up in the galley. They both sat, and Sharky propped his chin on his hands, calculating how exactly to explain things. Bones was twiddling his thumb on his lap, knees together and shoulders hunched. He felt curious, but also ashamed that he wasn't very good at this sort of thing.

Finally Sharky cleared his throat as if to signal the beginning of a class.

"Okie-dokie, matey, I'm gonna give ye the basics and you just ask me any questions that pop up in yer noggin. First off, when two people love each other –"Wait, Sharky, I already know about birthin' babies and all that. The little eggies and wiggly tadpoles, too."

"Oh. Oh, yes, of course ye do. I was just testin' ya."

"Do I pass?" Bones straightened up with glee.

"Yes! Good on ye." Sharky gave a few claps for the beaming Bones. "I guess I'll just get straight to business then. So. Have ye ever had an erection before?"

"I dunno, what is it?"

"The ah... the sticky-uppy moby dingdong, was it?"

"Ohh! No."

"Never ever, huh. Okay... what about a funny feelin' in yer tummy?"

"Hmm..." Bones tapped his chin. "Like a real big stink's a'comin'?"

"No, no, no, not gurgles. More like you swallowed some hot coals and they're burnin' in there."

"Oh, yeah, sure!"

"Good! So, just imagine that you let those coals keep burnin'. Then, in scientific terms, the smoke goes from yer belly to yer ah... cockatoo, and fills it up, like a wee balloon."

"Wowie! ...But how do I keep the coals goin'?"

"It's easy – whatever made 'em start, ye just keep thinkin' about it. And kinda imagine other things that start 'em, too. It'll poke up before long."

"Gee, thanks, Sharky! It makes a lot of sense, now!" Bones clasped Sharky's hands and shook them rapidly. Sharky smiled.

"Anytime, mate."


	4. it starts

_The following night..._

"Sharky." Bones shook Sharky's hammock, more and more vigorously until he woke in a daze.

"What is it, Bonesy?" he whispered hoarsely, rubbing sleep from one of his drooping eyes.

"Get out o' bed, Sharky," Bones hissed. Sharky complied and carefully stepped over Mr. Smee. Bones exhaled impatiently and gently pulled him away from the hammock, causing it to spin and drop the pillow on Smee's head. Smee gnawed on it in his sleep, mumbling about marshmallows. In the meantime Bones tiptoed to the galley while he held Sharky's hand to lead him.

"Bones, is everything alright?" Sharky asked, slapping his cheeks lightly to wake himself up. Bones shook his head, nodded, and shook it again.

"Sorta-kinda... but not really..."

"Let's just sit down and talk about whatever it be." They sat on the floor, Bones hugging his knees and Sharky hunching forward while cross-legged.

"So. The cap'n woke me up again to do th' usual thing. And when we got in there, I told 'im, 'You've had too many turns, Cap'n! I wanna go now.'"

"Oh," Sharky said cautiously. "Well... What happened?"

"He kinda laughed and told me to get down and get it over with." Bones frowned. "But I said, 'No, Cap'n, it just isn't fair. I'm not doin' it 'til I get a go.'"

"Oh, dear..." Sharky hugged his knees now. "Go on, mate."

"So he got all growly-like, and said, 'Bones! How dare you go against me orders as captain!'" Bones hooked one of his fingers during his surprisingly good impression of the captain. "But I crossed me arms and said 'Sorry, sir, but not tonight,' and I walked outta there in a right huff."

Sharky was impressed. It wasn't like Bones to go against an order, but he was proud of him for sticking to his guns.

"Is he back asleep now, then?"

"Yeah, I think so. I heard 'im knockin' stuff about and bein' all mad but then it quieted down, and that's when I woke you up." Bones rested his chin against his knees and sighed. "I'm pretty sad about not gettin' a turn, though."

"'Tis a shame."

"I couldn't get the coals a'goin' anyways! So I suppose it's good he didn't want to after all."

"Aw, Bones, that's alright." Sharky gave him a consoling pat. "Ye don't want t' waste yer time with someone as selfish as ol' Hook anyways. Suckin' each others' cutlasses is a thing pirates who like each other do. Generally speakin', that is." At this new information, Bones stared at Sharky in awe.

"Really? I thought it was just a favor sorta thing!"

"Well, I'm guessin' it was, for the cap'n. A favor he wasn't intendin' to return. But it'll be easier to do for ye when you actually like the other person."

"So you're sayin', if it was you I was with, it'd be right simple to hoist the main sail?"

Sharky was quiet. He started to blush, staring at his friend, who was staring back innocently, waiting for an answer. Sharky had always thought of Bones as a handsome fellow, but hadn't truly considered doing anything about it. Now that the thought was in his head, he couldn't help feeling the coals in his belly rising quickly in temperature. Still, he wasn't quite certain Bones could differentiate between like and, well... like-like.

"Wh... What is it you... mean... Bones?" Sharky asked, looking away and trying to stop his face from flushing so much. Luckily it was dim in the galley, so it wasn't as obvious as it could be.

"I just happened to notice, anytime me stomach gets hot, it's 'cause o' somethin' I saw you doin'..." Bones rubbed his neck, also looking away. "Singin' or swabbin' the deck... Walkin' around on treasure hunts... Nothin' too fancy, but... I dunno," he shrugged and smiled, shrinking against his knees shyly. Sharky smiled too, feeling flattered. Bones looked up and was glad to see his friend's grin. He took a breath before saying, "D'you... d'you think we could practice a bit? Y'know, in case some pirate comes along and wants to lick me lolly, I'd know I could get it up?" He was trying to be subtle, but Sharky could tell from the self-conscious laugh in his friend's voice that 'some pirate' was meant to be Sharky. Moving a little closer to Bones, Sharky gave a nod.


	5. sex ed

As Sharky scooted closer, Bones slowly let his knees relax away from his chin.

"Could you sorta walk me through it, like?" he asked Sharky meekly. "So it'll feel like I know what I'm doin'?"

"O' course," Sharky replied. "We're gonna take it slow fer now."

"Okay. Thanks, mate."

"Here, get on me lap so we's can get all close." He opened his arms and had Bones come over. Bones towered over him as he sat, much too tall to be able to kiss Sharky easily. "Hm. Didn't think you were that gangly. Okay, let's switch. Sit over on that stool, there, so yer legs won't get all numb so quick." Bones helped Sharky up from the floor before pulling the stool over and sitting. Sharky got himself comfy on Bones's thin legs, hoping he wasn't too heavy. "There, that's a bit better."

"How do we take our pants off when we're both sittin' down?"

"Whoa, whoa! Matey, that's just what the cap'n does first. We're gonna drag it out. It'll be awhile before the pants be droppin'."

"...But... what could go before that?"

"Well, that's what I be gettin' to."

"Oh, whoopsie-doodle! Go on and continue, then."

"Here we go. First, I'm gonna bring yer head down and give ye a kiss." Bones nodded and let Sharky place his hands on his cheek and neck. Bones let himself relax and saw Sharky closing his eyes, leaning forward. He followed suit and let Sharky gently press his lips to his own, Sharky's thumb idly stroking Bones's cheek. Sharky broke away and looked up to Bones to make sure he was alright. Bones was fighting back a smile, not wanting to look too eager. Sharky bit his lip and went in for another, this time squeezing Bones's shoulders. Bones decided to go for Sharky's first approach and deepened the kiss by holding the back of Sharky's head. Sharky nodded and stopped the kiss.

"There, that's good." He noticed Bones blushing quite a lot already. "Now let's try again, and this time I'll be movin' me hands around more." Bones smiled crookedly. "You can go first if ye like."

Bones took a nervous breath and cupped his hands on Sharky, lifting Sharky's head delicately and kissing him softly. The corners of Sharky's mouth twitched up, and he almost forgot what he said he was going to do next. He let Bones tilt his head to the side to kiss him again, his hands gripping Bones's vest and absently running down his torso. He smiled to himself as his fingers ran along Bones's ribs. No wonder they call 'im Bones. Bones giggled, ticklish, and Sharky muttered an apology before locking lips again, his hands moving to the small of Bones's back, rubbing down his hips and upper thigh. Bones inhaled quickly, causing Sharky to stop the kiss and lift his hands.

"You okay?"

"Ye-Yeah," Bones stuttered. "Just, ah..." He chuckled. "Felt good is all."

"Ah, right, right." Sharky cleared his throat. "Now let's move on to..." he trailed off. It was hard to think of it in steps, rather than just going with the flow. Bones was patient, though. "Ah, yes, now we can go over to the -" he stopped, whipping around to look at the door, which was creaking open slowly. Sharky practically leapt off of Bones's lap, looking around desperately for somewhere for them to hide, and ended up just plopping himself on the floor grinning as though everything were hunky-dory.

"Hello, Mr. Smee!" Bones said brightly, startling poor Smee so badly he fell backwards onto the deck.

"Oh... Bones, it's just you. You gave me such a fright! Whew. I wondered where you and Sharky were." He got himself up and noticed Sharky sitting not far from Bones. He waved. "Gettin' a midnight snack too?"

"Wh- Yes! Just finished. Both of us. Couldn't sleep," Sharky feigned a yawn. "Just talkin'. Shootin' the breeze." He nodded and coughed as he glanced at Bones, who looked confused. At the cough Bones caught on and nodded as well. Smee raised an eyebrow and made his way to the ship's pantry, searching for something simple to make.

"So. We'll be headin' back t' the deck now. Won't we, Bones?"

"O-Oh, yes! We will. Nighty-night, Mr. Smee."

"Goodnight, boys," Smee said distractedly. Sharky and Bones walked back out to the cool air and climbed up into their hammocks.

"We'll have to continue another night, Bones," Sharky whispered to the hammock above him.

"Yeah... too bad we had to stop. It was gettin' pretty good, says I."

"Yep. Goodnight, then. Sweet dreams." He pushed lightly on the side of Bones's hammock with his foot to let the hammock rock from side to side. Bones let out a relaxed sigh and mumbled goodnight.

Sharky put his hands behind his head, drifting to sleep.


End file.
